Remembering…

The night in Atlanta where me and a friend were scared when a huge African-American made his way towards us, just outside our hotel…or way back in my teens when a guy in a motorcycle forcefully grinded his lips on mine right outside my home or the numerous incidents while travelling on crowded buses or standing in the Majestic bus stop, at seven in the night , returning home from a tiring day spent in doing a project in KPTCL….not happy memories, not worth remembering-but I have to stop burying them, all of us have to stop!

Yesterday night as I was caught without a phone in between the three kilometres from my house to my parents and with a car that refused to move back or forward an inch, with my young son in the passenger seat and at eleven in the night, I was in a quandary!

As it usually happens in India, whenever there is a stopped vehicle, people just gather around and it was scary when an auto driver, a worker from a nearby welding shop, and a painter (not sure why I know this…must have been his hands or the stained pant..I found that my senses are unusually heightened when I am scared/stressed and things I wouldnt observe otherwise, are almost photographically imprinted in my memory!) all came and started enquiring as to what the issue was! It wasnt until a man with a small boy came around that I really relaxed, somehow, a man with a kid , could be trusted and he did help me fix the car and in a couple of minutes, we were home..

But my mind, which plays nasty tricks sometimes, showed me an image early in the morning, of what might have been, a scenario wherein I couldn’t protect myself and my baby and it was scary enough to get me out of bed at six! (and that’s saying something)

As almost everyday, my thoughts went out to the girl who was brutally raped in a moving Bus in Delhi – Jyothi Singh Pandey (That is the name I read in the news, not sure about it though.) Of the atrocities done to her (I cant get the rod out of my head and I hope that rod remains stuck in the collective conscious of the Indian population- a reminder of the brutality and the bravery and a hope that her suffering will not go in vain) and the backlash that her family must have faced and still are facing.

As if her brutal death wasnt enough, there were people with insensitivity and sensationalism on their minds who must have hurt them some more..the worst must have been the insinuation, however masked, that she deserved it! Isnt rape the only crime where the victim is blamed the most?

Another random question that popped into my head was that why is the media stressing about how the guy with her was not her boyfriend and just a friend? Well, what if he was? She still wasnt asking for it!

So, lets circle back to my situation yesterday –  what is the sensible thing to do?

Priyanka – Keep my mobile phone charged always.

Asaram Bapu and the likes – women should not go to work/ should have chanted the Sarasvati mantra, which would have dislodged the stone under my car/begged my brothers all around me to help me fix it.

Sheila Dixit – Blame the BBMP who think it perfectly alright to throw stones of every size in the middle of a road which was traversable till yesterday and not give the citizens any warning!  or better yet blame the electricity board for not installing streetlights at the turning!

ShivSena – give a knife ..ermm..with which I could protect myself and dislodge the stone and cut veggies! (best of the lot me thinks, though Asaram Bapu comes a very close second)

Dear son,

Dear son,

Recently one of my friends had forwarded me a link where somebody had written about how his mother never filled him with the guilt of  ’you owe me so much’ /’I struggled to bring you up and this is how you chose to repay me?!’ and needless to say I was blown over.

This got me thinking about the equation between me and you (if there is one and the LHS and RHS need to be balanced out just like in a real equation..)!

Lets see now…I carried you for nine long months, gave birth the natural, grueling way, was your source of food for a time, have wiped your nose, washed your butt and the regular stuff that moms do. Now the other side of the equation boy-of-mine. Let’s check what  it is that you bring to the table.

-You made me a mother. This automatically made me less selfish, more loving,patient,forgiving – a better person. (the equation already seems to be getting heavier on your side).

- I have never felt lonely since the day I knew you were in my womb. It was as if I had a lamp lit inside, a delicious secret, a warmth never known before.

- I was your world for a long time and it felt amazing to be so important to another human being!

- There have been days when the only reason I have smiled is you.

- I learnt to see the world and the wonders it holds through your eyes. Whenever I am with you, I see the magic in a soap bubble soaring high, as we watch its ascent and the ‘ping’ as it bursts which brings out the giggles in you (Oh, by the way, your giggle makes me so happy for some reason.)

- I love that you need me and only me to scratch your bony back while you go to sleep and to tickle you a bit while I do it..bliss!

Its tough sometimes to deal with your tantrums. It’s a learning for both of us…we are still new to this son and mom thingy you see .

- The fact that you get me flowers, the ones fallen on the road, the ones from ajji’s house, the ones that Tata gets as a felicitation  makes me the happiest. It makes me proud and happy and a mixture of all things good, that you get me flowers because you know I like them!!

I love cooking with you, especially making jamoons, as you mix the batter for me (and I know you eat the batter sticking to your fingers..).

I have a better body thanks to you…seriously..you changed a couch potato into an active mom, making me climb trees, play hide n seek, chase you around the house. I am much fitter than I ever was!

You have given me so much that I can never say that you owe me. You were the best gift I was ever given.

The best I could ever do for you, is give you the strong roots of love and the wings of imagination and freedom to take off on any flight  that you chose. I am working towards it my love.

Happy birthday darling. Today is the birthday of a mother and son, a celebration of four years of motherhood and all its joys and challenges. Have a wonderful day and a happy life ahead.

Loads of love,

Amma.

Is being a mom all that it is jazzed up to be?

Being a mom is the best thing in the world!

Motherhood=sacrifice

Motherhood is the best and most important job in the world.

God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers…

Then why the F*** aren’t the men queuing up for this job?? (I mean not the conceiving and carrying the baby for nine months and beyond- thats well, pretty obvious..but a SAHM job and I think its because its unpaid and unappreciated! )

I agree motherhood is rewarding, wonderful and a blessing. But is it enough?

Not for me! It is a relationship, which is bound to change over time, to give some and take some, but to make it the center of my existence, my identity…is something that is not palatable to me.(You know when you feel something is just not right but don’t yet have the logical reasons to explain to others or to yourself, why you feel so strongly about it… that’s the sorta thing I am speaking of.This post is an attempt of sorts at trying to explain why I feel this way )

To have a complete, satisfying life I need to define myself as more than a mother.(Please note that this is not judgmental  if you are happy being just a mom..then Yay! good for you). There are very few women who are just ‘moms’..they identify themselves as home makers (Another unpaid, under-appreciated job!) and every one of them I have met, feel the need to add something else to their identity than just a relationship, be it of a wife/mother. This is the feeling I am speaking about!

If motherhood is all that it is jazzed up to be, then we would be complete with just that. Women need more than that to survive, to thrive. They need to follow their interests, pursue their dreams and LIVE. The mould that we are supposed to fit into is one of sacrifice, forgiveness,tolerance…

But we at some point need to learn to take care of ourselves, to live life the way we want and not feel guilty about it all !

Being a 24/7 mom can get to you when its a lot of snot wiping, bum washing, feeding and sleeplessness.

We all surely love our kid/s, but then lets spare some of that love for ourselves. We are important too. A happy, satisfied and successful (and don’t let others define either your satisfaction or success) mother = A happy well adjusted child!

Shouldn’t this be our new mantra? whatcha think?

How (not) to read ‘The casual vacancy’ ;)

1) Do not compare it to the Harry Potter series..ever!

2) Do not, in some corner of your mind, hope for an escape into a fantasy world…this book is as real as it gets.

3) Do not read it just because it is written by J.K. Rowling.

4) Do not be surprised when the author who molded your childhood and teenage years, introduced you to the fantastical world of magic and mystery, writes about drugs, prostitution,rape,etc with a generous sprinkling of swear words!

This one was a long pending review..one that has done the rounds in my head quite often and I wasn’t able to decide whether I liked the latest offering by J.K.Rowling or not.

They say ‘Do not judge a book by its cover’, but the cover of the book should give you a clue, it is plain, stark and contrasting ..just like the book itself!

The book starts with the death of Barry Fairbrother and with this event a casual vacancy opens in the parish council of the town of Pagford. Barry seems like a very well-loved character and the story unravels through the ‘ghost of Barry Fairbrother’ which exposes the deepest and darkest secrets of the citizens of Pagford who are aiming for the vacant seat.

Pagford is split into two opposing bastions-sympathizers for the people of the fields and the other group consists of the bigoted and prejudiced citizens who have a long-held loathing for the fields and its people, the drug rehabilitation center and the antisocial elements that it breeds.

J.K offers a rich tapestry of characters through this book, though the story line changing focus from one to another in every chapter can be slightly tiresome.

The one thing that comes out shining clear from the latest work of this author is that writing about children and teenagers is her forte!

She has a deep understanding of an adolescent mind like no other.

I fell in love with the character of Krystal Weedon…you will have to love her, sometimes hate and most of the times admire this gutsy gritty and gifted lass…

There were also times when I felt that J.K has used sex, prostitution, drugs and a liberal sprinkling of vulgar language, just to prove a point – that she can write adult fiction too. But this might be because, howsoever I tried, a small part of me was hoping for this one, to be the next Harry Potter book!

Do I love or hate this book..I can’t decide. Take a look for yourself…its different, tedious at times, engaging, heart wrenching with no neatly tied up endings and just not what you would expect from the author of ‘Harry Potter’!!

Insomnia

Have you seen a drop of ink when dropped into a glass swirling, until it makes the water its own…or is it the water that usurps the ink drop? Have you spent a night devoid of sleep? With thoughts swirling in your head..until you become the thoughts or is it the thoughts that take hold of you?

Until at one point you stop tossing and turning and get out hoping for a break from the never-ending swirl of memories and questions of future and fears..all forming a nasty sludge in your sleep deprived brain.

What is it about the night…that it is always associated with the unholy, the dark, the bad? What is it about the night that makes minuscule problems look huge? makes them feel insurmountable?

When the mind rebels and refuses to stay quiet, denying the body much-needed rest. Are the mind and the body so separate, so different? Or are they so interconnected, meshed, that disquiet in one can cause unrest in the other? There is no vent, even the tears refuse to flow..I try assuaging the body with food and water, a few more pillows under my head..but it needs a human touch, a hug, for the whirlpool of thoughts to rest, for the tears to flow and finally sleep…blessed sleep takes over, easing the brain and the body, relaxing and lulling every part of me to inactivity.

When I wake up, I see bright sunshine and a pair of brighter, twinkling eyes, I read the smile in them, about to break into a giggle and I eat apples sitting in my bed and feel I can conquer the world and every obstacle in it!

who says you cant have the cake and eat it too..

Umm..well not exactly, you really can’t have the cake and then eat it too..but my weekend turned out pretty awesome and it felt like I had the cake and ate it too!

I got to watch some beautiful cinema – ‘Barfi’. It is (as most of you know by now) a story about a deaf and dumb boy, played by Ranbir Kapoor.

Well actually the movie is about love, the many forms it takes and the metamorphosis it undergoes..

It is a story where three young people learn that love cannot be constrained by the dictates of society or norms of the day.( Many of us go through life without learning this lesson.) Ranbir is wonderful as Barfi. The only other person I can imagine in that role would have been Kamal Hassan, and that is saying something!

Ranbir acts with a certain Chaplinesque charm and sometimes puts in mind of Raj Kapoor, whose acting was again much inspired by Chaplin..but there is a sincerity and charm that comes across. Priyanka Chopra, I have always liked as an actress and she almost manages to steal the show from Ranbir! She works hard to make us forget that she is Priyanka the star and I found her very believable as Jhilmil, the autistic girl.

Illeana D’Cruz has also performed well, as the girl who gives up love for more practical considerations and then portrays well, the pain and helplessness that her character Shruthi feels when she finds out that its too late to get her love back..

The movie is made up of a lot of heart melting moments and scenes. For some reason, I found the scene where Jhilmil teaches Barfi to write his name, with the B reversed  very endearing and that’s how in the end he signs his marriage papers..these are the touches which make the movie beautiful for me.

This is a movie about love and hence about life..and somehow to make a movie which explores the deepest intricacies of life, I feel one needs to know death intimately. Death gives perspective on the problems of life and the director Anurag Basu, is a cancer survivor…

A must watch movie!

This apart, we made a short trip to Nandi hills. It was more beautiful than I had ever expected..beautiful weather..cottony grey clouds and mists surrounding us at times and suddenly the wind clearing it all up. The greenery around, the beautiful sunrise seen from atop an ancient watch tower, the hot masala dosas and tea in the morning chill all added to the experience.

We also saw a lot of monkeys…these were two of them..

Rishi and Myc in synchronised Hanuman avatar..

Not many people know about this, but there is paragliding atop the mountain and it happens in the non-rainy seasons. So waiting to go back in December and glide down the Nandi Durga, where kings once walked, the English viceroys relaxed and many a prisoner met a gory death from the Tipu drop. This is also the place where Gandhi and Nehru stayed.

For more information about paragliding please check out 
http://www.flynandi.com/
.

Ciao People. Dont worry, be BARFI!!

Everyone has a mountain to climb..

“Yes! I dind it.”.:P Well that’s how Rishi puts it when he achieves anything that is extraordinary for his little hands..and thats what I exclaimed as I reached the Valley of Flowers (VoF)!

If someone had asked me why I wanted to climb to the VoF a few weeks ago..the honest answer would have been that I don’t know yet..but I knew I wanted to. Had a few things to prove to myself, a few things to surpass, test my limits…

I have never been athletic and with my petite build was never sure that my body could handle much more than the daily grind..but it did and how..

Just before we had planned to leave for Delhi, there had been flash floods and cloud bursts in Uttaranchal, especially in Chamoli district where we planned to trek. Everything was hanging in balance and that was a lesson in itself of patience.. I learnt to wait, to trust the unknown and hope for the best.

We arrived in Delhi by flight and from there travelled to Haridwar via train. From Haridwar it was an arduous ten-hour bus journey made lighter by banter with friends and doses of sleep..it was on this stretch that we got a taste of the devastation that can be caused by nature’s fury..as well as the fortitude of human kind which can clear up huge landslides and move on.

The road is steep, dangerous and sinewy and tiring. We reached Govindghat by nightfall and hit the bed after some dinner at a local hotel. We were woken up by the trek guides with a steaming cup of chai..and we went out and what a view greeted us…this alone would have made our trip worthwhile..

It was from here to Ghangria that our trek actually started. A 13 km trek which needed everything I had. I also met so many wonderful interesting people on the way…it would make for a blog post all by itself!

Starting the journey..

Being a newbie to trekking, I was getting so very tired every few minutes. There were so many times I wanted to just give up and hire a mule for the rest of the journey. But that would defeat the purpose of the trek…So at one point I decided I would rough it out. Some journeys are meant to be made alone and this probably was one of them. I left my husband and friends and started walking. My aim being just the next step. I was buoyed forward by a group of Sikhs on their way to Hemkund Sahib (they seem to be exceptional people). They helped me keep moving with the chants of ‘Satnam Vaheguru’ and glucose powder. There was an old man, around 80 years old probably who helped me cover almost two km with his stories about Sikhism and Guru Gobind Singh. I have nothing but respect for this warrior clan who helped so many of us during our way up and down..

As I walked past them, I met up with a couple of Bengali babus, who told me ‘tea khabhi’ and then had the grace to laugh at their own hindi and made wonderful company for a couple more km.

I was resting at a tea stall, when it started pouring and I realised that I had left everything including my raincoat in my solo journey. But as if someone had heard my thoughts, from the mists materialised my friend of thirteen years with my raincoat . from there on it was me and him and the mist walking in tandem to the pitter patter rain and the sound of our breathing. it was an amazing feeling to finally have made it to Ghangria. To know that I am greater than my limits!

The only parallel I can draw to this experience is very clichéd, delivering my baby boy–where I yelled for the doctor to cut me open and end the pain, while he yelled right back at me to keep pushing.In the end the pain was gone and I had a perfect baby in my arms….this trek was almost as magical as that for me…and that, is saying something!

 

 

 

 

Before the trek, my perception was to conquer the mountains, you know..the planting your flag on the summit sort..But nothing could have been farther from the truth. I was the one who was conquered and in letting myself be conquered lay my victory!

I wanted to go down on my knees and give thanks to the majestic mountains, the gurgling streams, the thundering clouds, the angry river and the unpredictable rain for letting me complete this journey. I was humbled and grateful and elated all at the same time. This I think is as close to a spiritual experience that I will ever get.

From Ghangria, we headed to the VoF the next day, my dream was fulfilled. I saw flowers in millions, entire hillocks decked in pink and yellow and white. The valley of flowers also turned out to be a valley of ‘interesting people’ as well for us. We met a world-famous sitarist and a world-famous botanist and were lucky enough to get a few lessons on the flowers from him. I will always have a mental image of him quoting the vidurneeti on why we should not pluck flowers..

Subset of the interesting people we met on the journey

I was hit with altitude sickness at this point and had to come down and missed the hemkund trek the next day.

But then that gave us a huge window of time and we visited Badrinath Mana and Auli. Mana and Auli are something that I am sure, I will keep going back to at various points in my life, to see them wear different disguises in different seasons..

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The trek took my breath away (literally and figuratively), taught me stuff that I would have never otherwise have learnt, earned me friends wonderful and I would like to think made me a better person..

What is your mountain to climb? Is it mending a broken relation? Is it getting over your fears? Is it learning something new?

Go for it, start..one step after another…the journey will be long and tough. but pause to let your body rest, catch your breath and enjoy the scenery along the way. When you reach the summit, do let me know, what it is that you felt..

"Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
Don't be discouraged when the sun don't shine,
Gotta keep on pulling, you gotta keep on tryin',
Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
Everybody's got a mountain to climb."

-Everybody's Got A Mountain To Climb
by Dickey Betts"

P.S: to all moms who are dilly dallying about leaving their babies behind..do it! You have earned yourselves a vacation and...the fact is my son was super excited to look at the pics and told me to climb carefully and not fall off the mountain  

I am so glad that I can go out now and then and my lil man wont hold it against me  

Can a woman have it all?

All hell seems to have broken loose over Marissa Mayer – the first pregnant CEO of a fortune 500 company!

Someone very recently asked me if this was fair to the baby-to-be or to yahoo…My first reaction was to pounce back like a tigress protecting my territory and tell the questioner that of course it was fair! I am a working woman. I have been a pregnant working woman.(I worked till a week before my delivery and in the inflexible insensitive Indian work environment, it is something!). I am a working mom (working outside the home that is. I truly believe that all mothers are working mothers..at home or outside or both..).

After that incident, I have been mulling over, reading numerous articles and have had a huge chunk of thinking time…and..I still want to pounce!!

First things first..lets not even begin to compare Marissa with the ordinary working women. She is rich, she is in charge and am sure has a huge team of support staff to do her bidding..But one way or the other, she has become the poster woman for working women/working mothers.

But the very fact that such a fuss is being made about her appointment seems sexist to me. Yahoo knew what they were getting into when they hired her. She is 37 and her biological clock is ticking away. So does she need to make a choice between having a baby or taking up the CEO position? Why can’t she have both? Would the same questions be raised about a father-to-be who has been offered a CEO position? Not likely, if you ask me. There would have been hearty congratulations and drinks and gaiety all around at his abundant luck.

That said, being a parent means different things to a man and a woman. A woman has been traditionally expected to be the primary care giver. But things are changing. It’s not going to be easy for Marissa or any other new mother to handle outside responsibilities. Pregnancy and birth are traumatic for the mother both mentally and physically. You definitely need time to heal and recuperate.

That does not mean we begrudge Marissa her choices. Maybe she chooses not to breastfeed. maybe she chooses to co-sleep to make up for lost time..whatever..they are her choices. She is an adult who has decided to take up the CEO position as well as become a mother. She thinks she can handle them well. Deciding to be a parent is a very personal thing. Let us accept that there are going to be difficulties. But lets not write her off (Yay! Marissa..way to go girl!!)

Go for everything girl!

Another thing that pops up is the fact that no one raised a hue and cry when Steve Jobs pretended that everything was fine with his health in order to protect Apple stocks. I am sure battling cancer takes up a lot of time and energy. Why then this whole debate about Marissa. She is taking a couple of weeks off. She has, I am sure, an amazing support system. She might succeed in giving the baby all the love and time it needs. She might also succeed as the CEO of Yahoo and turn things around for the company.

I don’t know about you, but I am surely going to be keeping my eyes and ears open for any news on Marissa. Even after all this hullabaloo dies down.

Licia Ranzolli a MEP from Italy who took her baby for a session at Strasbourg. The 35-year-old was taking advantage of relatively relaxed rules that allow women to take their baby to work with them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not starting the women Vs men debate..but the country in general needs to be more sensitized with the possibilities and growth and special needs that being a woman and a mother brings along with it. We need to learn to be more flexible, more respectful of the choices any individual makes.

Every woman deserves the right to make her own choices. To make her own mistakes. TO LIVE HER LIFE the way she chooses and no one has any business telling her what (in their limited and constricted world view) they think is right or wrong.

The big three-O

The big three-O

I thought I would write a poem..mad, fun and flirty

But oh! just realized I am already thirty..

All I got to do now is wait..

To get slow, dim and fat

Not much pizzazz..

I am just an old lass..

Yeah people I hit the big thirty a few days ago and have wondered whats this milestone people keep talking about. How could I get so old..when I have always thought of myself as so young??!

At eighteen I thought I would never turn 23..and thirty was beyond imagination.

All my teens and most of the twenties were spent longing for longer legs, leaner hips, smaller bottom and straighter hair..(didn’t we all crave for a body we weren’t blessed with).

Its only around the late twenties and thirties that I really started owning myself and accepting and appreciating what I had. I was comfortable in my skin. Literally and figuratively! So for me thirty is not all that bad.

No gray hair yet, but signs of a wrinkle to come. I am more active and happy than I ever was in the twenties. More funds to spend and a lot more wisdom to invest and save.

A lot of inhibitions left and a more non-judgmental attitude to boot.

More books read, more experiences I have had.

The scars on my body tell the tales of battles hard-won, of love lost and gained, the wrinkles, of the many internal struggles still raging on..

On the flip side, I am not over the hill yet, but the hill is in sight

If you ask me, thirties rock and today thirties are the new twenties, so there is another decade to really let the frown etch its story between my brows!

Whats your story? are you the young and naïve twenty something or a thirty plus rock star or a wise old owl?

A foot(wear)step closer to my dream..:D

‘I am going to Ibiza..yooo..I am going to Ibiza..lalaa’..actually I am going some place even more beautiful (to me at least)! I am going to Valley of flowers(You can ask me to shut up and I wont mind one single bit. I know I have harped on this one to anyone who will/wont listen ).

I bought myself a pair of Quechua trekking shoes and just can’t leash in my excitement. they are beyond awesome . I went for a looooong morning walk in the weekend, of course with my new shoes on and they are an absolute delight.I shouldnt have run in them, but me being me, I did and have sore legs because of that. But otherwise, they behave beautifully!

That apart, it was a beautiful morning with just a light drizzle, a freshness in the air and little gems of water droplets hanging everywhere.

Nature seemed to me a beautiful woman, just out of a bath with droplets glistening on the ends of her long mane, enrapturing everyone with her beauty and careless elegance..

Now instead of me blubbering, i will let the photos I took, do the talking. Beauty has just about compromised enough for my skills and a below average mobile camera

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